Monday, June 06, 2005

CC blows off some steam

So I sent a package to my friend at his Jerry-Springer-contestant-esque girlfriend's house and she sent it back "return to sender." She has a huge issue with me because she thinks I'm out to romance him. Presumably my plan is to keep my own harem of really smart guys in the basement. (Wait… tell me again why this is a bad idea…oh yeah, he wouldn't like me anyway what with my funny habit of letting the men in my life receive their mail. Oh, and when TheCSO gets a call from a woman, I LET HIM TAKE IT. I know, I'm psycho…)

I have to say that I am flummoxed by this whole "return to sender" on a package actually addressed to someone else, because frankly, there are many ways one can act like an immature loon WITHOUT violating federal law. Mail me a dead squirrel with a note attached reading "Like this squirrel, your love for my boyfriend must die."

No, wait, that one violates some postal regulations, too, I'm pretty sure.

But anyway, she could have come up with something better. I mean, she's smart. She has a Ph.D. from an institution of higher learning well-regarded by surfing fans worldwide.

The mirth will continue on Thursday because I am holding a breakfast with a client who is well-regarded by the postal industry. All the postal hotshots will be there and I will say not a word, all the while fantasizing about taking one aside and saying "I bet you'd really like to have Congress close the loophole the GPO uses to screw the postmasters who retire under the Civil Service Retirement System. I could talk to some important people, if you'd just take care of a little something for me…"

Trust a girl who knows her stuff about Postal Inspectors.

You don't want to mess with postal inspectors.

Think federal small town cops.


Funny thing about postal law: Congress passed a law saying that a person can write their own definition of "sexually suggestive" mail and demand the post office not deliver any mail meeting that definition. Now the queer thing is that there is NO reasonable-person standard to this law. On a regular basis, zealous anti-junk mail advocates write their post offices and say they find all junk mail sexually suggestive.

So there we go, all his girlfriend has to do is fill out post office form 2150 and tell the post office that mail from me turns her on, and she can save herself a walk back to the mailbox.

Who feels way better, thanks.

Ps. The CSO informs me that as my friend was a visitor to her house, it is not actually against federal law. He's SUCH a spoilsport.


fausto said...

I do trust a girl who knows her stuff about Postal Inspectors. When Mrs. Fausto worked in the Justice Department, she worked with them regularly. (It's a lot easier to make out a case of mail fraud than, say, conspiracy to commit terrorism or misrepresenting contract specs to the Pentagon.)

So forget Mr. Egghead and his jealous lady. Just tell an officer of the U. S. Postal Inspection Service that you wish the public realized that his job is essentially the same as an FBI agent's, and it has more integrity and less political taint to boot. Tell him his Service deserves far more respect and appreciation than it receives.

In no time, you'll have a harem of testosterone-overdosed Postal Inspectors fighting one another for the privilege of hanging out in your basement.

Chalicechick said...

I will repeat that I am NOT trying to recruit a harem for my basement.


Anonymous said...

Are you familiar with a song by Tom Paxton called The Mail Will Go Through?

The Mail Will Go Through
(Tom Paxton)
They can go and drop the big one but the mail will go through
That's a promise to you, that the mail will go through
There'll be no one left to read it, but the mail will go through
What a wonderful change that will be

Yessir, modern life is scary, it's sure tough on me and thee
It's hard to count on anything these days
But when things get too hairy with their insecurity
We can count on the Post Office, Lord be praised
They say we'll all be cinders in the end
But there's one bright hope on which we may depend

The announcement was so welcome, it allayed our deepest fears
It was met with heartfelt cheers as we sank a couple o' beers
We can write to all our loved ones saying, We're no longer here
And the mail will go through

When the final war is over and it's been a great success
We've been powdered, more or less - comes the mail man express
He'll come sifting through the ashes till he finds the right address
And the mail will go through

So the future can't be all bad, there's a lot you've got to like
If they've vaporized your bike you can take a little hike
And get your letter in the chute between the first and second strike
And the mail will go through