Become a misanthrope—Get a SmartCar

As I sat in the parking lot of the Calabash, North Carolina Hardee’s, changing a tire as half a dozen people watched me and asked questions, I realized my SmartCar was seriously making me start to hate humanity.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

I realize I do own a red convertible. That said, I’m not intentionally being the person who exhibits attention-seeking behavior, then complains about the attention. I suppose some comparison in this direction is inevitable, and maybe I deserve it a little bit. But I like small cars and I’ve always wanted a convertible. TheCSO insisted we buy a red or yellow car because SmartCars are, well, really really small and he wanted me to be as easy to see as possible. I really didn’t buy a SmartCar to meet people.

But meet people I do, constantly.

And I really hate it. I’ve started to look at the world with a suspicious eye. When people approach me in parking lots, I’m already thinking “Don’t ask about the mileage, don’t ask how much I paid for it and for the love of God, don’t make fun of it.”

I mostly drive with the top up, in part because when people know it’s a convertible, they talk to me about it all the more

I can be, I think, a pretty nice person. I do a lot for other people and a lot for my friends. I am fond of almost everyone I know.

But I am seriously starting to dislike strangers.

I’m chubby and fairly plain with nice, even features but on the whole am not particularly impressive physically. When I was younger, I fantasized about being really, really, beautiful and how wonderful it would be. As I got older, I started to suspect that I would find the attention would get old. Now I’m certain I would despise it. I can’t even take people fussing over my car.

This all hit an apex this afternoon, when a tire that had a slow leak suddenly went completely flat. I noticed it in the parking lot of a CVS. There was a Hardee’s two blocks away. I had postcards to write and I just didn’t feel like I could deal with the flat tire this very second. So I drove the car two block and parked it behind Hardee’s, flat tire facing away from the restaurant.

I went in to Hardee’s, got a soda and wrote my postcards. Perhaps half a postcard in, one of the employees comes up to me.

“Does that thing run on water?”

“Huh?” I said. I always play dumb when people ask me about my car. Might as well make the conversation a little annoying for them, too.

“Is that your red car?”

“Yes.”

“Is it one of those cars that runs on water?”

“No,” I said. “It runs on gas.”

She went away. Half a postcard later, she was back.

“Does it cost twenty dollars to fill the gas tank?”

“More like thirty,” I said.

I was almost done with the postcards when she came back again. “My manager was taking out the trash and he said you have a flat tire.”

“I know. I’m going to take care of it now, I just wanted a drink first.”

“Ok, because the tire is flat. He saw it when he was taking out the trash.”

“I’ll take care of it.” I said. At this point the lady really was trying to be nice, but I really, really wanted to be left the fuck alone. I threw out the soda, stuffed the postcards in my pocket and headed for the door.

I have a full-sized spare and could have changed it there, but I just wanted to be out of there, so I pulled out the tire pump, a little machine that attaches to a bottle of fix-a-flat-type-stuff. As I attached the pump to the tire and to the cigarette lighter in the car, the lady who worked at Hardee’s and a guy who I assumed was her manager came out to watch. They were soon joined by a couple who had been in the Hardee’s and some teenagers who had been walking across the parking lot.

“It’s such a cute little thing.”
“What’s she doing?”
“Pumping up the tire.”
“I could never fit my kids in that car…”

I couldn’t get to 36 psi fast enough. Finally, it was done and I unhooked the pump and threw it into the passenger’s seatwell. The crown dispersed, I drove away.

But I was left with a sense of unease about the whole situation. Sure, it was annoying, and it would have been nice if someone had actually offered to help, but this IS appreciation, right? I mean people fuss over my car because they think it’s cool.

I tell myself this over and over.

CC

Blatant self-promotion

I'm mentioned at the end of this newspaper article.

Also, here's a complete list of my reviews for the City Paper.

Oh, and there's apparently a complete tour of my car in Epilonius' PodCast
CC

Yes, it has come to this

I printed up a bunch of these and am going to keep them in our new car.

Frequently Asked Questions About Our Car

What kind of car is that?
It's a Smart Passion Cabriolet, but most people call it a SmartCar.

Who makes it?
Daimler-Chrysler

Where did you get your car?
At the Smart Dealership in Tysons Corner, VA. It's next to the Mercedes dealership on route 7. Tell Lance we said "Hi."

Is it a hybrid?
Nope, it runs on premium gasoline.

How much did your car cost?
Manners, please! OK, we're kidding, sort of. They start at about 12k but we got ours fully loaded, so we paid about 20.

What kind of gas mileage do you get?
The EPA got about 36. We drive conservatively and get about 40, but we drive on highways a lot.

Does it have a trunk?
Kind of. You can stow stuff behind the seat. About as much as two people can take on an airplane, both checked baggage and carry-on.

Do you have to peddle that thing?
Didn't your Momma ever tell you it's rude to make fun of people's cars? Our Mommas did.

Can I peek inside your car?
We'd really rather you didn't. If you'd like to see what the interior looks like, you can check out SmartUSA.com

How is it on snow?
Canadians don't seem to mind it.

Does it have a GPS?
No. But some people get aftermarket ones installed.

How many cylinders?
Three. It’s not a performance car, at all.

How fast does it go?
It tops out at about 90.

I hear you have to order SmartCars a year in advance?
We ordered it in April of 2007 and picked it up in April of 2008, so yeah, we did. The wait is about 12-18 months right now. We found out about the car from a friend of ours who loves cars. He recommended it.

How do you like it?
We love it!

Is this FAQ really necessary?
We know this is weird, but yeah, it kind of is. LOTS of people ask about our car. Sometimes several times a day. Sometimes they flag us down at stoplights or find us in restaurants. We want to answer questions, but we’re kinda shy and sometimes late for work.

Stolen from the SmartCar Forums

I have wondered if my love of my smartcar comes from having an adult version of this toy car. (My smartcar is even red.)

Also, the blue smartcar is really quite handsome.

CC

Ps. Am still debating with self and spouse over the vanity plate.

Regrettably, "MAXWELL" is taken. "YPANTS" is not, but I've made an executive decision that it's stupid.

We're down to "BRIEFD" or "HT TMTO"

Opinions welcome.

By request, some more info on my new car.

The Smart is the ultimate “Hey, middle-aged-geeky-man, come talk to me!” car. CC has appreciation for geeky men of all ages, so she could be in a worse state. Even under torture I could not tell you the gas mileage of any other car I’ve ever had, but I’ve been asked so often about the Smart that “the EPA says 38, but people have been reporting up to 50.” is a reflex.

The only place most people have seen a smart is Europe. So I’m asked “Did you have that shipped over from Italy” on a fairly regular basis.

I’ve never had a car that people so regularly waved at, honked at, smiled at, etc. Have low self-esteem while driving a Smart is impossible as you are constantly getting random validation from seventeen different directions.

It’s not you, it’s the car.

The dealership experience was a breeze. Our salesguy mentioned a few more options, but we'd ordered the car in advance, so most of that had already been taken care of. The credit union had never heard of the car, but once they'd verified its existence, financing was no problem.

More generic information on the Smart is available here.

I'll probably post another picture or two here, but most of them will go in a Facebook album as I really doubt the average Chalicesseur cares that much.

CC

I love my little car.

Sweet Mother of all that's swell, my new car is ready!

And there was much rejoicing.

CC