Monday, October 02, 2006

Everyone loves a purity test

So a friend of mine sends me this myspace message that is essentially a purity test:


Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

Now, when you're done adding up your total, (I don't blame you, it's human nature.)

Of the following choices, what is the saddest:

A. That my total was $525.00
B. That I got that assuming I was only fined once for each infraction
C. That I had to pull out the calculator to get my total.
D. That none of my total was illegal drugs or drinking.
E. That I'm not sure if I have technically had sex in a church or not, but fined myself for even having to puzzle it out.
F. That I wondered if a scantily-clad drag queen counted as a stripper.
G. That I was spending time on Myspace at all.

Yeah, yeah, I know.




PeaceBang said...

We're getting fined for playing SPIN THE BOTTLE?

Well, I get a citation for too much clean living, I guess. $275.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. $225. No surprise there. And that's with the bonus points (excuse me, *fines*) for being gay. (I think I should get fines for kissing someone of the opposite sex!)

LaReinaCobre said...

Wow; my fine is less than most speeding tickets.

Joel Monka said...

$495 for me, but that does include drugs and alcohol from my younger days. Also, I presumed that a BBS counted the same as Myspace, as Myspace had not been invented yet when I was single. Does the crossdressing count if it's Halloween?

Chalicechick said...

Hey, if I counted "in the church office" as "in a church," you have to count Halloween.

who is up to $550 if we are defining "myspace" Joel's way, she's afraid.

Sarahliz said...

Hmmm... does the sex with someone on myspace have to have been related to them being on myspace? I mean I've never met someone from myspace for sex but I'd be damned surprised if none of the people I've had with sex were on myspace.

Meanwhile I'm too lazy to add up my fines but I bet it's not pretty.

s.k.namanny said...

I can't believe that masturbating gets you $10, and oral sex onlye gets you $5.

Fine yourselves $50, if you concieved, took, or dwelled upon that quiz in any way.


Anonymous said...

$30.50. Bwa ha ha.

I can think of many things this list doesn't even cover. Violence, for one.

Chalicechick said...

My guess is that the intention of the "kissing someone of the same gender" type question is not to test for homosexuality, but to test for homoflexibility/heteroflexibility*.

So, yes, CK should get fines for kissing men.


*Non Gen-Xers--Homoflexibility and heteroflexibility essentially mean having an established policy of "Well, I wouldn't NORMALLY sleep with someone of your gender, but it's a slow Tuesday and I've had a couple of drinks. So what the hell?"

Anonymous said...

Tack on another $30, then. Still 99.9% pure :)

Fern @ Life on the Balcony said...

I think your worst thing you've done is definitely the fact that you've visited MySpace...

And coming from someone who supposedly only has to pay $125 in fines, most of the stuff on that list is highly questionable. I would imagine that some of the most religiously conservative people on the planet don't think half of the stuff on the list is "bad."

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure I would call this "purity" that it's testing for. Maybe "experience"?
I scored 425, but I'm older than most of you. And I had a wild period in the sixties. ("Sixties" includes early seventies....)and I'm from California....:-)

Anonymous said...

i'm just a kid and i get $125!